


Not Alive

by aboutmikasa (Coco_c)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Inspired by In the Flesh, RivaMika Week, mary shelley inspiration, my own zombie au, rivamika
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 06:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5732191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coco_c/pseuds/aboutmikasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“He loved her and she didn’t love him back, Levi summed up as his problem. Nonetheless, the complexity of their story put down roots deeper than that: he was alive, she wasn’t.”  RMW6</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Alive

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t a about zombies; it’s about love in the middle of chaos and death, and tells the story of a man willing to do everything to save the woman he loves. In a way this has a bigger influence of In the Flesh and Mary Shelley than TWD.  
> For RivaMika Week, day 5  
> Death / “She sings a tune that marks the end.”

_ “If I see but one smile on your lips when we meet, occasioned by this or any other exertion of mine, I shall need no other happiness.” _

_ ― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein _

* * *

 

 

To him, she was beautiful even if she wasn’t alive. They lived in a fucked up world, he could tell that for sure; for years humans had stayed caged as animals, living in fear, dying in fear and… awakening from death. With no other option than to fight, some did it as an obligation; he did it by choice. He had sworn revenge to the memories of his mother, brother, and sister; he’d protect humanity, defeating the evil around them. To honor his promise, he followed orders and lived according to rules and hierarchy; never attaching himself to someone else. Practicality helped him to survive; in a world full of madness, belonging to an organized structure allowed him to keep moving, staying alive, and seeking revenge. It helped him, too, to release the hatred inside of him. However, maybe he devoted his life to humanity, but he hadn’t taken the oath; it never felt natural. Except that life had the bad habit of changing. Even if he protected humankind long before they met, Levi knew he wanted to save the world for Mikasa.

_ “Will you promise me, Levi?” _

_ Pitch black eyes pleaded and he obliged. Levi bent his arm and placed his clenched fist over his heart. “I swear.” _

He loved her and she didn’t love him back, Levi summed up as his problem. Nonetheless, the complexity of their story put down roots deeper than that: he was alive, she wasn’t.

The Captain remembered their first meeting as  the absurdest clich é. On a rainy day, she bumped into him and he almost knocked her down; as a reflex, his arms  prevented an ungracious landing, holding her tight. In order to reach a new level of patheticism, his heart skipped a beat when her stormy—and confused eyes—looked up at him. the girl even muttered a “Sorry.”  He helped her to stand, confused at his own reaction.  With his touch lingering , the girl  thanked him and gave him an almost smile. Soon he’d learn, the rareness of that moment.

With  two swords  he had defeated hundreds of monsters, and with his bare hands as weapons, he won fights over the years. Soldiers feared his presence. But, talking to her? No, his abilities didn’t work for that kind of mission, and his tongue knotted itself. So, Levi did what he always did , he lectured her. After all, she should have reported for duty earlier that morning. Just like that, she offered to him a gelid glare, and the moment vanished.

The perfect woman and the perfect moment, but he lacked the basic attributes of the perfect man, let alone a chivalrous one. He had read books with that kind of moments; the guy always did the right thing, becoming the hero, and winning her heart in the blink of an eye. No monsters around, though. How could someone like him turn his boring existence into a romantic and heroical one? And while living the middle of chaos and death? Could he really become a hero?

Did she even need one?

_ Strong women don’t need heroes _ , he comforted himself. Although, she already had one. Mikasa Ackerman—the capable, strong, and fuckingly-annoying woman of his fantasies— chose as her hero a temperamental and charming boy. A reckless idiot, too emotional to think of consequences. Eren. He witnessed her devotion and tender care.

Every day Eren exposed himself.

Every day she put her own life in danger to rescue him.

The cold and detached Mikasa, melted in Eren’s or Armin's company;  in her eyes shone a  type of love that only existed in the books where men like Levi, had no place. No one ignored the unbreakable bond between the trio of childhood friends; three for the price of one. Eren, a temperamental hero. Armin, a brilliant and cunning mind. Mikasa, the prodigy soldier. Levi heard their names more times a day than he needed, in particular _ , hers _ . For some cruel joke, people felt the strong need of talking  with him about he r; not only about her impressive skills as a soldier. He wished. No, people like the mysticism around the girl, her unapproachable aura, her bad jokes and the deadpanned expression  she wore  while telling them. Even if his friends almost never spoke it out loud, they didn’t ignore his growing  “interest” on her; so, they used every chance they got to praise her. Levi disregarded their intentions, back then, but after… Sometimes, even the strongest man alive needed to vent the despair boiling inside him.

People used the same words over and over to describe her: cold, calm, stoic, and perfect; any of those adjectives fit her sufficiently if someone had asked Levi.  However, since he accepted her existence as a necessity in his life, he understood that Mikasa, more than anything, was  _ unexpected _ . A fortress of ice protected her, leaving everyone out; still, every time the Jaeger - boy did something stupid, she ran after him without second thoughts. She acted selflessly, she never put herself first;  _ always _ Eren, just  _ Eren _ .

Levi almost hated him.

Envy tasted bitter and the Captain fought the unwelcome feelings. He respected her, and her decisions belonged to her; if Mikasa cared for him, the boy couldn’t be that bad.

Life laughed, once more, at him when they put her under his direct orders. The weight of precious and awkward memories closed his eyes, having her around condemned him; not loving her was never an option. In a less fucked up world, working with her could’ve been his chance to  _ get the girl _ .  “ _ Could’ve _ ” as the key of his conundrum because Levi might be dead and Mikasa wouldn’t have  noticed. Everything screamed the impossibility of such dream: his awkwardness and rudeness, his lack of  _ everything _ , her blind love for Eren, and—to Levi’s misfortunes—, her obvious annoyance around him.

He was the  humanity's strongest soldier, a veteran of a war against humanoid creatures. She worth a hundred ordinary soldiers, and their Commander put her under Levi’s orders. If anyone had a single complaint against her, it was that she was lethal but reckless, and young—too young and too unforgettable. He didn’t tell Erwin it was a mistake because it wasn’t one; who wouldn’t want the best soldier in their squad? Mikasa trained with him, learned from him, shared her time at his side, but not even once her eyes showed him something different from respect and trust, and it was okay with him. He could bear her coldness and distance as long as she stayed alive.

It hadn’t been an easy journey; Mikasa didn’t follow instructions as any regular soldier did. This woman demanded explanations and followed her instincts fighting for Eren, against military order if she had to. And she wasn’t exactly impressed with Levi.

Levi wasn’t a team player or a people person,  so her rejection didn’t take him by surprise . Maybe because his years of solitude or his long, long list of friends dying in this war. Perhaps it was just his harsh and detached personality. Anyway, with zero social skills, designating him as the leader of a bunch of rookies was divine punishment. He hated babysitting recruits, the gorgeous badass brat he loved included. Still, he trained her and they worked as a team, the world’s strongest.

People noticed them and talked; comments filled every inch of the castle. Most of them nothing but  insignificant lies. He knew very well the stories about her beauty, her strength, and coldness, along with the many remarkable similarities between them. Myths emerged concerning them as strong and impressive skilled soldiers, awfully non-sociable and, of course, the last name they shared. He didn’t care about last names, and she didn’t care about him sharing her last name. Levi didn’t believe in fate,  yet, apparently, all roads led him to Mikasa . They share a damned lineage and their bond fed soldiers’ curiosity; avid eyes wondered if they shared more. “Good” for him, her evident interest in Eren opaqued further inquiries. Under scrutiny, his unrequited love would have been tangible.

He chose not to tell her about the Ackermans. Levi told Erwin it wasn’t necessary, he told Hanji to mind her own business, he told himself it was better that way, and he told her nothing.

She never asked, anyway.

They worked side by side and he learned to stay away. However, he never missed her smiles around Eren or her furrowed expression to any possible danger the b oy f aced. Levi observed in silence the deep fear that every now and then cracked her mask. Life messed up with Mikasa too, and her concern multiplied when they found out Eren’s condition ;  Levi knew that would be her road to damnation. The boy was  _ immune  _ to the disease, he could walk between monsters . Eren had the power to be a monster, to be one of the  _ others _ . The boy became their hope and his protection, Levi’s Squad’s responsibility; Commander Smith, designated the humanity’s strongest duo as Eren’s protectors. 

Life’s little pranks unnerved him to no end.

Levi tried to teach her better, helping her with her self-control for humanity sake and Eren’s safety.

Yes, he couldn’t see her die—his attachment grew stronger every day—, but that was a given. He wanted her to be a better soldier, so he trained her to achieve her goals. Under his  careful watch , Mikasa surpassed his already high expectations; he considered her his equal and his eventual successor. If he wanted that day to come, he needed her alive. As much as she forgot her mortality, Levi dedicated himself to protect her, even from her own actions.

However, in the world they lived, with dead-walking monsters eating living humans, humans were as fucked as the  _ others _ . With morals and ethics lost in search of greater good, soon they realized the fragility of their hope. They found out the existence of more  _ immune _ ; some kind of secret  _ immune  _ society with a destructive agenda targeted Eren. The  _ others _ , the humans, the  _ immunes _ … a whole army of enemies against humankind and he trusted no one but Mikasa and his team. He wondered if his stress matched hers. 

If only she had allowed him to help her  more . 

Some days it took everything in him to get up the bed and face the day, even so, when the sun rose he was already fulfilling his duties; no soul could tell his sorrow. Mikasa joined him in his morning run; they never spoke and the last lap he slowed his pace and watched her moving faster. Admiring her from afar was his weakness, probably the only moment he enjoyed, ignoring the world. Every time, she gave him an unreadable glance as she passed next to him.

He remembered all of them, wondering and grieving.

They sure lived in a fucked up world.

Three walls shielded humanity; they lost the outer wall during the big outbreak, two years before he met her, three before Hanji began her work on a cure, and four to the day she stopped living. He should be accustomed to losses by then, tragedy shared his bed after all, and the bitch was a cruel mistress. But Mikasa deserved better, and he failed her. He thought about that day over and over, searching for a better answer and torturing himself with regret. He regretted everything;  the  things he didn't do,  the  words never said— the  lives he didn’t save. Her life.

The guilt buried him.

If he'd been there, Mikasa would never have been hurt.

Two hearts stopped that day, nevertheless just one of them wasn’t alive.

All he wanted was to protect her. He wanted to protect the reckless woman who became special to him. No one blamed him or pointed fingers at him, but he tortured himself with plenty of “what ifs”—a dangerous game. It was a simple mission:  **go, explore and return.** Easy. How many times did they perform the same rout inary expedition? So simple that she shouldn’t have been there. A last minute thing changed everything; a friend of hers caught the flu and Mikasa replaced her. Levi asked her because she walked by when Hanji informed him. After a soft smile and a nod, the girl was happy to be near her beloved  _ immune _ .

He sent her on a simple mission. 

He did it. 

He sent her to her death.

Levi led one squad and she wasn’t with him; for the first time in those years, they didn’t work together. Hanji wanted to conduct an experiment, while the other teams explored the riversides; she needed Eren and Mikasa, as one of his protectors, accompanied them.

Levi saw her that day, early in the morning. Squad leaders and their seconds in command discussed strategies; Mikasa listened to Hanji’s explanations in silence, quiet as usual. After the meeting, Mikasa walked to her horse, wearing a thoughtful expression. For a moment, the sunlight enveloped her and her silky hair glowed, giving her an angelic aura; Levi stared at her, worshiping her existence, speechless and lost at the view. For a couple of seconds, her gaze found his and unable to control himself, he smiled. Her puzzling expression amused him; he couldn’t explain his emotions, nor could she. Some brat called his name for the most stupid reason and then she was gone. The squads separated paths alongside the river; he looked back and spotted a slight hint of red.

_ Go, explore and return _ .

For a couple of hours, everything went as planned and t hey were returning to their meeting place when shit happened. They had cleaned the river for months; none of those creatures should've been there. A dead silence surrounded them, and he felt his body  tensing . Dead throats’ growls resounded and they awaited the worst scenario, a horde. Soundless weapons took down as many creatures as possible but the enemy surpassed them in number; to prevent unnecessary losses, Levi ordered a partial withdrawal. No casualties were allowed under his  command . They retreated to the forest, arrows, and bows waiting for his orders; his sword fell and lines of four archers took turns, shooting down non-living heads. Four soldiers moved forward, following him; his powerful and ruthless demonstration encouraged his subordinates. His body repeated with feline grace the swaying motion again and again in a deadly dance with his blades.

When any dead creature remained standing, he ordered to move; if they had to fight, Hanji’s squad could be doing the same. His duty told him to guarantee Eren’s safety, while his heart urged him to find  _ her _ . When they arrived at the old chapel, the place was empt y with no sign of the rest of the squads. Mikasa wasn’t there. Levi instructed his soldiers to stay and took Armin with him; his horse galloped like a lightning along the river. Armin followed him, several heads back. When they found them, the creatures surrounded Hanji, yet, the skilled scientist had everything under control; she screamed them to  go and  help Eren.

_ Go, explore and return _ .

Levi moved fast to the hill, a dozen of  _ others _ walked around and he chased them; more  creatures  laid motionless without heads  and h e recognized Mikasa’s signature. With every step, he expected to see her brandishing her swords with her usual cockiness. He prayed to see her arrogant grin. Much at his despair, Jean was fighting while Eren held her body against his chest. Her pristine uniform covered in blood. Levi’s heart sank, overwhelmed by fear. But as he had told her, they needed to control themselves, avoiding blunders. If he wanted to help her, he had to finish what she started and save them. He twitched aside his cloak and drew his swords; he moved fast, nimble as a feline, and in a matter of minutes remained no monster.

With faster and steady steps, Levi approached them; Hanji followed him. Mikasa looked beyond pale and Eren’s arms supported her as a lifeless doll. Darkness fell and a shadow seemed to surround Levi. His protégé had a severe injury; nonetheless, it wasn’t a bite. They assessed the edges, the length—

The realizations unsettled his stomach, someone stabbed her in the lower back.

He spoke rough and demanding , “What the fuck happened?”

“Leonhardt and someone else…” Jean’s voice trembled in confusion. “They ambushed us; they wanted Eren.”

When the horde appeared, Mikasa asked Annie to help Hanji, in the moment the girl turned her back, Annie had stabbed her. S _ he wasn’t supposed to be there _ , she ruined their plan.

They saw Annie walking among the  _ others; she _ wasn’t just  _ immune,  _ the monsters followed her orders. Jean and Eren tried to help Mikasa but the creatures blocked them, attacking Eren. Chances are none would be there if not for Mikasa; wounded, bleeding and weak, she stood up and fought; hell hath no fury as Mikasa Ackerman if anyone hurt Eren. She beheaded most of the  _ others _ , with quick and  unrelenting strength until she came to their side and faced Annie. The madness ended when Mikasa disarmed her, the blonde girl was bleeding profusely too. They ran when Levi and Armin arrived.

The scientist assisted Mikasa’s injuries with Armin’s help, but suddenly stopped her actions and called Levi.

“Levi…”

“Hanji, do something.”

Armin  paled for the same reason but kept containing the hemorrhage. The  younger guy noticed the gravity of his friend’s condition, and his eyes searched for Eren, but  the immune seemed to ignore what was going on , too worried about her well-being . Hanji’s widened eyes found him and she offered him a grievous nod.

“Levi…”

“What?”  The soldier  snapped at her unfinished question.

Hanji dragged Levi and spoke as  low as possible, “She has a scratch on her back, a dark and uneven scratch.” He processed her words as she paused. “I need you to listen to me, we can’t take her to the wall.”

“Yes, we can and we will. I’ll take care of it. You just have to keep her alive.”

“Even if we take her with us, she will not….” Hanji closed her eyes, trying to find the right words, “You know that kind of mark, don’t you? She’s not going to make it. Mikasa’s…”

“She will! She has to.”  _ Go, explore and return _ .

“Levi.”

“We’re not leaving her behind, Hanji. I’m not leaving her behind.” His piercing gaze went to her, demanding and pleading without words; and she felt compelled to do as he requested.  Then, he worded the only fact that could change Hanji’s medical concern regarding Mikasa’s future, “She’s an Ackerman, there’s one chance.”

_ An Ackerman _ … The words ran through Hanji’s mind. Maybe it was a long shot, yet it was more than anyone else could have. She considered herself a crazy scientist and if subject A had been someone else, Hanji would be pleased; she remembered herself subject A was Mikasa. “Levi, we’re going to need his help.”

“I know.”

“We don't know if it will work.”

“I know.” Hanji heard him, and maybe he looked calm as usual but she sensed his fear and tension; almost as if he carried the weight of the world upon his shoulders.

She didn’t say anything else.

They took her inside of the walls, against general orders and hiding her real condition. As they marched to the castle, Levi went to bargain with the devil. He played under the devil’s rules many times and if he had to go to hell and back, he would go and please Satan itself; Satan being Kenny Ackerman, flesh and blood. His father figure, the man Levi learned to love and hate. In their shitty world, only three descendants remained from the Ackerman lineage. Before the disease, before the living dead, the government held a powerful weapon; a human weapon, _the Ackermans_. A lineage of soldiers with a modified DNA. When the virus spread, they used them as shields and lab rats until the Ackerman family almost  extinguished.

Levi was a child when his grandfather ended their persecution and captivity. He grew listening to the stories about the Government banning their existence until popular admiration vanished; the  _ Ackermans _ were a shameful reminder of human monstrosity. Exiled and persecuted, they did what they had to. Levi’s life was full of murder, blackmail, and extortion; all before Erwin recruited him. A cursed family was the reason he never told Mikasa about them. She belonged to another branch and never got involved with his fucked side of the Ackerman family.

Kenny would've said no if she hadn't been an  _ Ackerman _ .

_ Pure Ackerman bl _ _ ood tainted with the virus _ .

When Levi brought Kenny to the castle, Hanji struggled to keep Mikasa alive. Just a few helped her, maybe she acted with scientific curiosity, still, she didn't want to risk more people and no one could possibly know about the girl’s real condition. Hanji thanked nobody asked about the sword in the operating theater, appreciated beyond words when nobody questioned why she carried a sword while treating Mikasa; more than anything, she considered herself blessed when an important meeting held Erwin away. She wasn’t sure about a million things, even so, when Kenny appeared she started believing in miracles. Levi bet her last name would motivate his uncle; that and a debt to claim later.  The rebellious Ackerman stole a useless vaccine, created to cure and prevent; a cure made with the blood of his family —Ackerman’s blood cells with inactivated viruses. The irony was the vaccine only worked for them. The government realized the cells with modified Ackerman DNA were the only “ _ healing _ ” cells. They never tested the antidote with humans, not even the Ackermans, and the experiment stayed inconclusive. As a final act of cruelty and disdain, the government destroyed the data and every trace of the experiment. Or so they thought because Kenny “ secured ” samples.

Levi knew Kenny didn’t help her because of her, neither for him—maybe a little. He didn’t help her as a rebellion act; nor as his last clash against some higher order. He did it out of curiosity. Kenny wanted to know. Years and years keeping the  _ “thing”  _ that destroyed his family and finally he would know. A fucking glass bottle preserving his family history; a bunch of infected cells would tell him if the Ackermans were really the humanity’s strongest. She was his own kind even if he only had heard about the soldier with the red scarf, even if he hardly remembered her face; nothing more than amusement and curiosity. Levi didn’t care, nothing but Mikasa mattered. As long as he helped her, Levi would be indebted to Kenny.

But life’s cruelty never ended and tragedy reached her hand to him. Their efforts didn’t work and the girl—

If Levi closed his eyes, the images of that night overflowed him.

The blood flooding out of her veins, the color drained from her skin, and a mortal cold spreading through her body. Her body gave up after hours of holding, fighting and waiting. Levi felt every beat of his own heart. He knew how to fight against monsters and humans, he knew how to use a blade  to behead a non-living creature; he considered himself an expert in combat, and yet he was useless. No expression showed on his face. He looked calm, almost distant, however, under his feet an abyss opened up and an unbearable pain ravaged him.

**Her heart stopped beating.**

Hanji ruled in chaos, her mind moved faster than her hands, and she had Armin. Hanji worked with science, Armin with science and love. The young guy would do anything for Mikasa, and so he did. As soon as Hanji watched that Armin started chest compressions, she acted accordingly. Armin understood the real situation since the beginning, and he had read and heard the prohibited stories of the Ackerman family; the boy figured out why Levi brought Kenny. He could buy more time, and he worked to restore the flow of oxygenated blood to her brain and heart.

“Levi, I need your blood.” Hanji’s words came out as one while her hands searched the cabinets.

After years knowing each other, Levi knew her crazy eyes always meant options and answers. He pulled his shirt sleeves over his wrists and Hanji connected a needle in his vein. They had no time for a meticulous procedure; Hanji collected the blood in a citrated flask and immediately transfused to Mikasa using a thin tube in her artery.

Levi observed her, clenching his fists hard enough to cut the skin.

Nothing changed.

Nothing changed at all.

**Her heart didn’t beat.**

Despair and frustration filled the room; the only movements came from Armin, who kept his compressions and spoke in a quiet cry;  they didn’t understand him the first time.

“Give her the shot,” he pleaded. “Please… please…”

He repeated the same word over and over. His eyes fixed in Levi; his hands never stopped working; trying to save her so desperately. Levi  stared at him unsure at what he said; even if tears rolled down his face, Armin’s eyes screamed determination. Contagious determination.

“Just give her the shot.” Kenny stretched his arm, offering the bottle. “She was good as dead before her heart stopped. There’s no difference, but it’s your call, Levi.”

Hanji didn’t deny her curiosity, but their friendship with Levi demanded her caution. Unlike her, Kenny he strictly wanted to know; he didn’t care about the girl. Hanji turned to Armin and Levi . E veryone knew Armin, Mikasa , and Eren’s relationship; she knew Levi loved her.

“Levi?”

“Save her…” For the first time that day his voices cracked. “Give her the shot.”

So she did.

_ Go, explore and return. _

Seconds after Hanji injected the antidote, Mikasa’s body reacted with uncontrollable muscular motion.  Her body began to spasm and jerk, her legs and head moved from flexed to relaxed with sharp contractions; her eyes rolled back into her head and her back arched. Foam came from her mouth and a light blue colored her skin and lips; her body burned. They tried to help, considering her strength. Hanji and Armin used mild restraint to avoid her arms and legs to strike objects; they placed Mikasa on her flank with her face turned to one side. A long time passed before the spasms ceased, then every movement stopped. Hanji tried to listen to her heart, but she didn’t hear a single beat. Once Mikasa's heart stopped, it remained like that; no data could help them, no one had done what they did. Levi’s eyes fixed on Mikasa every single moment. They stayed quiet watching her inert body; Levi grieved for her  in the same quiet way he had loved her . Armin stayed at her side; his limbs petrified, holding her cold hand.

“Maybe we have to wait.” Armin talked more to himself than  to them.

_ Wait for a miracle, _ Levi guessed. Who could make it happen, anyway, the gods of lif e  or the gods of death? In absence of a proper answer, Levi slouched against the wall and waited for hours.

When the trumpets played the Reveille, awakening every soldier in the headquarters, Kenny was gone, and Armin and Hanji were sleeping. The boy read every  file they have about The Ackerman experiment , searching for clues until his body collapsed. Levi looked after her, praying to whatever deity wanted to hear him and aware of the futility of his hope.

A subtle motion  alerted him; with tightness in his chest and shallow breathing denying air to his lungs, he took the sword next to Hanji.  He knew what he had to do, and it had to be fast; a sharp blow, ending her misery. Miracles weren’t part of his world. No t  once someone answered his prayers. Why would  that time be different?

Armin told him he could “do” what they had to. He couldn’t allow more suffering for the boy; she protected  those boys with her life _. Her family. They were her family _ . He owed her to spare Armin more pain and he couldn’t deny his responsibility; he put her in this—whatever.  With the final blow, he would end everything, including the little hope she had given him too. The only hope he ever had. 

When his mother died, he had no hope.

When his brother and sister died, he had no hope.

This time was different.

For the first time since corpses started piling next to him, he actually granted himself some hope. Levi had gotten used to death, to sorrow, to never attach his life to another; he prayed no more and trusted only his strength. Mikasa changed everything. Saving her was a decision he could never regret, no matter how hard it was to do what he had to do, ending what she left behind.

“L… Levi? Is that you?”

A soft, hoarse voice came from her and he stood there, wondering if he lost his mind. Those creatures didn’t talk, did they? Armin and Hanji moved, the blond boy cried in happiness but Levi stopped him; they didn’t know if she— She had dilated pupils, she looked cold and pale. Her hand reached for him  again and Armin approached her and hugged her.

Startled and afraid of being fooled by his own delusions, Levi Ackerman, the soldier that never took the pledge, held her hand. With a myriad of emotions overflooding him, he closed his eyes and tightened the grip of his hand on hers. 

Levi saw something rational in her eyes, the sound coming from her mouth were articulated words, no guttural noise. A faint glow in her eyes, a tender gaze fixed in Amin, and her annoying questioning about her  _ immune _ brat’s safety; they took them as good signs. Great ones like Hanji stated. Success implied she was alive; the truth was, as usual, more complicated.

Mikasa had no heartbeat. She wasn’t dead but she wasn’t alive.

The excitement coming from Hanji broke the mode; she was ecstatic.

The next couple of days, they subjected her to multiple tests and observation. An unhappy Commander Smith demanded explanations, but his practical sense of duty considered her a valuable asset. Erwin  pondered every outcome, they could see the smoke coming from his head. Even if Mikasa wasn’t a threat they kept her under surveillance; keeping her condition a secret. The fewer people involved the better. How could they explain her condition? Who would believe she wasn’t a menace?

The hardest part was explaining to her, making her understand she wasn’t a monster; she wasn’t a living dead creature with no soul left. She could talk, move and think, with no visible signs of death, her skin wasn’t rotten and every day she looked better; pale and not exactly like herself, but better. When she woke up, the shock didn’t allow her further comprehension and she rested for a few days; the problem started as she regained full consciousness. Hanji tried to occupy her mind with never-ending tests. It was a little bit poetic how Eren worried; they kept her away from him until they considered it safe for  Jaeger boy . The roles reversed for the first time, wi th Eren as  the worried one, moving around out of patience; just like she reacted when Hanji used him as her guinea pig.

Mikasa understood what they did to her body, the Ackerman confusing situation—or as much as they told he—and the scientific reasons behind her condition. “Comprehend” and “accept” weren’t the same and Levi noticed her own repulsion and un-attachment; with her hands constantly groping her chest, looking for sound, movement… hope. She needed frequent blood transfusions, her heart had no evident motion, her eyes lost her fire and she could rest but sleep  became difficult. She wasn’t alive yet she wasn’t dead. Her white pale skin emphasized her black hair and darker eyes. Mikasa turned into the epitome of cold, dead and beauty.

Hanji figured the cure acted in her neural system, protecting her brain but causing migraines, memory loss, and sleep deprivation. When Armin visited her, he talked about  them as children, friends, and family; she remembered some details, images, sounds, and faces. It wasn’t as she couldn’t tell she was a soldier, or if she couldn’t recognize her friends and family, she even remembered Levi. However, she forgot about a million of things and moments. After two weeks, Hanji and Erwin discharged her from the medical center, authorizing her to leave under Levi’s supervision. Levi conversed with her every day and soon he discovered she recalled their relationship, still, the memories they shared were foggy. They move with baby steps until she talked with him about her fears; her distress affected her and he knew why she was so sad. Always the same reason: she was there to protect Eren, yet she saw herself as a threat.

”Will you promise me?”  Mikasa asked him knowing his strength, and if she became a danger for Eren, Levi could kill her. “I trust no one else and I don’t trust myself.”

“Tch. This isn’t the time to think about such things. You are different to those...”

“I’m not different.”

“You don’t smell like shit.” The soft smile reached her eyes, and he allowed himself to be happy. “Rest.”

“Please, Levi. I can’t… if I ever put him in danger…” She shook her head. “Protect Eren, please.”

“Mikasa…”

“Would you promise me, Levi?”

Pitch black eyes pleaded and he obliged. Levi bent his arm and placed his clenched fist over his heart. “I swear.”

For the first time since she came back from her death some kind of peaceful look took over her face. Also, for the first time he gave an oath, with her it just felt natural. He wasn’t offering his heart to humanity and he wasn’t taking her offer; Mikasa wasn’t a monster or a threat to her beloved brat. Levi offered his heart to her. His pledge was for her safety and her happiness. The story was always the same; his life was in her nonliving han ds, his heart in her motionless heart, and his blood into her veins.

They remained in silence with his eyes anchored on hers. Normally she would avert her eyes, but in that moment he found her glancing back at him, observing him and maybe wondering. He couldn't read her easily anymore.

She was the same but different.

He was still the same.

A knock on the door brought him out of his trance. Some things won’t ever change; her devotion for Eren never wavered.

Non-dead and non-alive but mortal.

Levi considered her a strong woman and her own damn hero. Nonetheless, she usually put her selfless existence in jeopardy, and a man like him lived by his word; his oath was real. Eren’s safety was their responsibility and Mikasa’s personal reason to exist. The soldier protected Eren, and the man protected Mikasa. Like a shield preserving her mortal self, Levi took his place at her side; always close to her yet so far.

He walked away, leaving her with the Jaeger boy; her gaze found him for a couple of seconds. It wasn’t like before neither was it bad. They would return to their routine; Mikasa training with him, learning from him, sharing her time at his side. But not even once would her eyes show him something different from respect and trust, and it would be okay with him. He could bear her coldness and distance as long as she wasn’t dead.

  
  



End file.
